I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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