so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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