Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
