im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
