Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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