Non-Jews are for practice
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
