I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
