People with herpes should wear stickers.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
