Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
