I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
