Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
