drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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