So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
