please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
