I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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