watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
