I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize