Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
