You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
