i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize