apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
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