It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
