I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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