I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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