Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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