I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
