Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just had sex bonerless
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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