Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize