I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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