Your dad touched me again.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
