Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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