There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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