this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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