____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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