And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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