Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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