then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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