I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
