i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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