i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
