So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
