i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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