I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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