woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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