You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
