Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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