Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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