just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
