I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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