I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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