Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
