i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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