I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
