Only a mothe r could love this liver
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
