STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
