And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
