In the future we'll all be gay
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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